Q&A about The Villages and COVID-19 ...

As a public service, I’d like to answer some questions about The Villages and its response to the coronavirus outbreak.

GF from the Village of Labelle asks:

Why are so many things shut down but not the liquor stores? 

Dear GF:  You must be new here.  I suspect you’re not from Florida, either, or you’d realize that if you can buy a single beer in a gas station to drink while you gas up, our laws about alcohol are probably not as strict as wherever you came from.  Most Floridians appreciate how cheap and plentiful liquor is here. And it’s only common sense that if you are going to be stuck inside for a week or more because of the coronavirus, liquor will help you cope better than bottled water.      

BS from the Village of Belvedere asks:

I winter in The Villages but usually return home to New York in April. Should I stay until the outbreak is over, or is it safe to head back to New York now? 

Dear BS: By your use of the word “winter” as a verb you’re obviously a pretentious twit. I’ll bet you also have an old New York state license plate on your golf cart, along with a bunch of Yankees logos, too.  You want everyone to know you’re from New York. We already knew you were a New Yorker without advertising it on your golf cart.  You told us right after your first hello.  And you’ve told us again and again.  We know you can’t get a proper bagel here, or a real pizza, and that everything is better in New York. So for goodness sake head back early. Go ahead. It’s probably perfectly safe to go back to New York.  Don’t pay any attention to those people on TV here who say otherwise. They don’t know nearly as much as a real New Yorker like you. 

Then put your house here on the market. Someone will snap it up in a heartbeat. You’ll make a nice profit and you can go “winter” someplace else where everyone will always recognize how special you are because you’re from New York.     

DF from the Village of Hemingway asks:

Many of states in the Northeast have banned single-use grocery bags. Why are grocery stores here like Publix and Winn-Dixie still using single use plastic bags? 

Dear DF: How to put this? Okay, in the middle of a pandemic where people are dying, you’re worried about plastic bags?  Really? Because of people like you our stores are phasing out plastic bags for no other reason than the constant whining from snowbirds.  Thanks a bunch.  Nobody says you can’t bring your reusable plastic bag from Wegmans or wherever you shop up north to our stores.  You’re perfectly free to decline with a self-righteous snort their free plastic or paper bag to tote your groceries home. But don’t expect anyone here to fall down on their knees to worship you if you do. 

BTW, while you are ostentatiously virtue signaling how environmentally conscious you are, do remember that unless you continually clean and sterilize your reusable bag after every use you are increasing your exposure to food-borne bacteria as well as the coronavirus.  Oh, and one last thing:  paper bags are completely biodegradable; your plastic reusable bag isn’t.  

BP from the Village of Charlotte asks:

There haven’t been many reported cases of coronavirus so far in The Villages. Why do you think that is?  And could we expect more?

Dear BP: I expect our exposure to the virus, and subsequent infections, to remain fairly low, because the people who would have brought the virus from New York, New Jersey and Connecticut were already here when all hell broke loose up there.  So we only have to worry about those who traveled down after then, which is still significant but not like the mass migration we experience in late fall and the beginning of winter. Not surprisingly, The Villages doesn’t get a lot of dumbass spring breakers who could care less if they infect everyone, either.

Our only real risk factor is from morons who refuse to respect social distance rules and suggested safety protocols, and those weasels who’ve lied to the authorities and their friends here about where they’ve travelled. Unfortunately, there are too many of both here. 

PK from the Village of Dunedin asks:

Why are store shelves in The Villages now out of toilet paper? 

Dear PK: The obvious answer is that a bunch of selfish jerks bought all the toilet paper. Why? I have no idea.  It’s not as if they aren’t manufacturing more or delivering more all the time.  Yet every time there’s a rumor some store has toilet paper, there’s a mad rush to buy it all up; sometimes there are lines outside stores at 7AM because of this. By now some folks must be hoarding a year’s supply of toilet paper.  I suspect some houses here have spare rooms completely filled with toilet paper.  

The hoarders aren’t embarrassed.  Somebody with a thick Long Island accent in Walmart the other day proudly bragged he had 48 rolls at home. I was supposed to be impressed; instead, I thought, what an asshole.  Then again, because of his accent, I should have expected that. 

JM from the Village of Collier asks:

Can my dog spread this virus? 

Dear JM:  It’s not likely.  But by your question, I have to wonder: are you kissing your dog on the mouth? Please stop. You are creeping out the rest of us. And we’re pretty sure your dog doesn’t appreciate it either.  Also, just because your dog isn’t a potential spreader you shouldn’t take furball everywhere you go, like to the grocery store.  Stop with the bullshit about your dog being a service animal, too: anybody can buy that stupid vest. Real service animals have been specially trained to perform tasks – quivering while being toted around in a stroller isn’t a useful task.   

SC from the Village of Osceola Hills asks:

I live in the New York City area but didn’t want to be shut in and stuck at home for God knows how long because of this coronavirus thing.  I arranged for a private jet to Florida last week to take me to my winter place in The Villages.  Some people are angry; what’s the big deal?       

Dear SC: I’m going to take a wild ass guess you’re a Democrat. I’ll also bet you haven’t told anyone – your neighbors, your friends, your social circle, anyone you’ve had contact with here since you arrived – that you might have been exposed to the virus in New York. In fact, you probably have been and you know it.  So, to your question: I think you are a selfish, self-centered prick who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about anyone but yourself.  You connived your way around all the restrictions put in place by the Feds and our governor designed to keep potential COVID-19 carriers from us. Congrats. I’m sure you’re really proud of yourself, and how you beat the system.  It’s jerks like you that are spreading the virus farther than it would normally go.

Clowns like you are also why Trump may quarantine the entire New York metro.  You all simply can’t be trusted to do the right thing on your own.  And you don’t care about anybody else.  

That's it for today. Stay safe.