Lessons from the playground …

Somewhere along the line it became a bad thing to have winners and losers.

I don’t know when this happened. But make no mistake, it did. Now we have generations of people who don’t know what it is to lose.  Or how to handle losing. If they do lose they think it must be a mistake. There must be some other reason why they failed to win. There must be some technicality – some loophole they can exploit – they can use to reverse what to them is obviously not the right result. 

It makes no difference whether it’s fighting a traffic ticket, not being picked to be prom queen or king, being passed over for a job, or even losing an election. People who don’t know how to lose often claim whatever happened was unfair – not incorrect based on the rules, but unfair. They almost always claim the rules shouldn’t apply to them. 

What do we expect from people raised to believe that if you complain enough you’ll eventually get your way, regardless of the established rules?  Or that they always deserve to be a winner? 

Competitive sports we played as kids once taught us there were rules to every game Fairness came from everyone adhering to the same rules. The rules didn’t change mid game just because somebody didn’t like the way the game was going.

As kids we all played for fun, but also to win within agreed-upon rules set in advance. 

There were always rules; it didn’t matter if we were playing in a vacant lot, somebody’s backyard, or on a playground. Kids who didn’t abide by the rules were cheaters; kids who tried to change the rules when they were losing were whiners. There was no honor in winning by cheating or trying to win by whining.

We also learned over time – especially when some of us moved on to more organized sports – that you didn’t always get what you want. Sometimes you didn’t even make the team, and if you did, you got stuck in a position where coaches thought you could do the least damage.

Like deep center field. 

Or on the offensive line as center, as I did for many years. 

Or at least I did until the 9^th grade when in my first game I faced off as a 160-pound center opposite a 242-pound kid on defense who predictably beat the Hell out of me on every play. Now I wasn’t bad at my position, but he was much better – and bigger – at his. It wasn’t his “fault” or “unfair” he pounded me all game; it was my fault alone for not being up to the task.

I realized it wasn’t just him. Everybody on his team, and most of the players on mine, were also much bigger than me and would probably get even bigger the next year.  I probably wouldn’t.  

After that game – a valuable wake-up call to me – I quit the team and switched to marching band where the probability of long-term brain damage was significantly less.   

Lesson learned.   

In short, our sports taught us that not everybody was actually equal – maybe under the law, but not on the field.  There were superior athletes and inferior athletes.  And “heart” would only take you so far.  Sometimes you’d lose no matter how hard you tried, or how much you wanted to win. Sometimes your opponents were just bigger, better, stronger, faster, more talented, whatever.

You simply learned to deal with it. 

That was life then, and still is today. There are inevitably winners and losers for all sorts of reasons.  Enforcing artificial “fairness” to pretend everyone is and will forever be a winner no matter what sends the wrong message to anyone who expects to survive in the real world. 

Plus there are always rules to obey.  Fairness is not defined by individual circumstance, or need, but by the rules being applied equally to all.  Rules applied to some but not all are unfair.   

The latest generations seem to have missed that valuable lesson.  Maybe it’s because we’ve experienced a President who has made up rules as he went along, ignored some entirely, and applied others unequally to suit his political ends, making the concept of “fairness” a bad joke.

Maybe it’s because they were brought up on T-Ball where every game ends in a tie, or played sports with built in “mercy rules” to call games when one side’s getting the crap beat out of them.

Or maybe because someone, somewhere decided it was harmful to kids’ psyches to lose. 

Whatever.  Now we live in an era when kids on winning teams get rewarded with the same trophies as kids on the teams they beat. Everyone’s a winner.  

That’s a terrible message to send. 

That means you can get a trophy for just showing up. That’s sufficient.  And that’s the lesson taught to our latest generations: you don’t have to actually put in the time and effort required to succeed; you just have to show up.  Do that and the world is your oyster.  

I’m certain a lot of otherwise highly educated folks in the latest generations truly believe that. It’s probably one of the reasons why so many of them are unable to find anything but a minimum wage job where showing up is good enough. They are emotionally unprepared to compete for a better job. They aren’t ready to handle a tough job interview. They get flustered easily. They panic when someone asks them to explain exactly why they should be hired rather than someone else. 

“I get along well with others” while it might be true simply doesn’t cut it. The basements of middle-aged parents across the country are filled with their unemployed or underemployed offspring who “get along well with others,” but can’t make a decent living on their own.      

Are there exceptions? Of course.  I’ve engaged with some who are working their butts off to get ahead; they are smart and determined and give me hope. 

However, for every one of them, I see way, way too many who are completely and utterly clueless. Like those protesting the recent election, even though they themselves didn’t bother to vote; the truly sad – and revealing part – is they don’t think that should matter.

Huh?  That’s like expecting a trophy even when you don’t show up.

Then there are those who want to change the rules mid-stream, especially in the Electoral College, using threats and intimidation to bully their way to a different outcome. 

There won’t be a different outcome. The rules are the rules.  You win or lose by the rules, and the rules are only fair if applied equally to all. 

When anyone loses they can whine, complain and wallow in self-pity, which accomplishes nothing. Or they can pick themselves up, learn from their loss, figure out what they need to improve, and make the necessary changes to increase the odds of winning the next time.

Or entirely rethink what they’re doing and choose to do something completely different; something they may be better suited for. That can be positive, too.     

Many in my generation learned that on the playground or playing competitive sports where there were inevitably winners and losers. Losing sucks when it happens, but also teaches how to get over it and move on.  And maybe, just maybe, work harder to succeed the next time.       

I’m sorry so many young people today apparently were protected from that valuable lesson. Those who protected them from this reality should be ashamed of the disservice they've done, however well intentioned at the time.