We’ve relied on the old-fashioned Bill of Rights for too
long. Maybe it’s time to have a new set
to reflect today’s evolving standards. Here are some new versions:
Freedom of Speech
You have the right to say and publish anything – even knowingly
false and with malice aforethought – as long as it’s politically correct. You also have the right to prevent anyone
whose opinions differ from yours from being heard. This means you can shout down people with
whom you disagree, disrupt their speeches, shut down their online accounts, and
do whatever necessary to prevent their voice from being heard. As
long as your cause is just – defined by you and your peers – you can incite
others to riot, destroy property, loot, and put others’ lives in danger when exercising
your rights.
Freedom of Assembly
You have the right to assemble any place you wish, including
at the homes and businesses of those you wish to intimidate. This extends to following
family members of those same targeted people anywhere they go and confronting
them whenever you like. You can also assemble
wherever you like – even on private property with no permission –
whenever you disagree with anything as long as you chant “No justice, no peace,”
start with “Hey, hey, ho, ho …” or shout anything else in unison that somewhat rhymes. If the police move in to maintain order, you
have the right to pelt them with bottles, rocks and whatever else you can find
with no fear of prosecution. NOTE: These rights are not confined to expressing outrage;
you have the same rights to express joy at sports championships.
Freedom from
Unreasonable Search and Seizure
Any search and seizure is automatically unreasonable, unless
it’s something the state wants to know or take. You have an absolute right to
complete privacy, except as noted above. Whatever you’re communicating with, storing data or images on, wearing,
driving, living in, or simply visiting cannot be searched, even with a warrant. The exceptions are if you have done something
morally reprehensible, like contributing to or supporting any entities critical
of the state, or owning a gun, or smoking. Or other bad behaviors to be determined. You also waive any of these rights if you join known terrorist
organizations like the NRA or the Tea Party (or its fellow travelers).
Freedom of/from
Religion
You have the right to worship or not worship whatever you
wish, but not in a public sort of way that could possibly offend anyone else. You
also have the right to be offended by anyone else’s expression of their
religion (or lack thereof), and seek redress. Such redress can include the ending of decades or centuries-old
traditions, prohibition of public displays or symbols attributed to the offending
religion (or lack thereof), renaming of said symbols (Christmas Tree -- Holiday Tree) and holidays (Halloween -- Fall Festival) and elimination of public utterances that might be
construed as related to a religion (or lack thereof). It makes no difference how many people are
offended or to what extent, or if there is equal representation of all other religions
(or lack thereof), if one person is offended the test is met.
Freedom from Allergic
Reactions
You have the right to demand that everybody else modify
their behavior to protect you from potential allergic
reactions, real or imagined. You need not provide any proof whatsoever of your
real or imagined allergies, simply expressing your concern is sufficient. This permits you to prevent others from serving,
ordering, or eating any foods that contain peanuts, gluten, or any other
potential allergens, in any commercial, institutional, or even private setting
if within 100 yards of where you are. It also allows you to halt or slow service at
restaurants and other food providers by demanding special treatment, special
preparation techniques, and special assurances that they are complying with
your requests to prevent exposure to real or imagined allergens. No one can refuse service because of your
requests, nor charge you more.
I've just started. I’ll have more …
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