You knew I’d have more.
Just trying to adjust to the realities of our times.
Freedom to be a
Hypocrite
You have the right to chastise others publicly for things
you also do. If challenged, you have the
right to claim the moral high ground, fabricate self-serving rationalizations,
and justify your actions with “moral equivalencies” where there are none. Your stated intentions – true or not – matter
much more than your actions, and are a perfectly acceptable alternative to
following the same rules as everyone else. This allows you to be on both sides
of an issue – an important virtue in our democracy – such as publicly
supporting calls for raising income taxes when you know privately you won’t
have to pay those. Or criticizing
policies that enable inner-city parents to abandon failing public schools in
favor of charters when your own kids go to good schools in the suburbs. It’s your right.
Freedom to Be Rude
You have the right to be a self-centered, thoughtless and
insensitive jerk at all times. You have
the right to think only of yourself whether you’re driving, talking on your
cell, boarding a plane, out with your kids, in the grocery store, in a
restaurant, wherever – you have the right to act as if there’s nobody else in
the world that matters but you. You have
the right to say: “So what? Everybody
does it …” as the excuse for whatever you do. So use the handicap tag you don’t
qualify for. Take two spots in a parking lot and leave your cart in one of them
when you drive off. Ignore the
10-items-or-less signs. Intentionally arrive late for your flight so you can
jump the check-in line. Board planes
with a backpack, and a duffel, and a rolling cart, and a shoulder bag and a shopping
bag as your “two” carry-on items – then shove all these in the overhead bin so
there’s no room for anybody else. Pay no attention to flight attendants’
requests to turn off your phone, tablet or notebook. Demand restaurants honor
your reservation even when you’re more than 30 minutes late. Change your kid’s
diaper at the table. Hold up everyone in
line – or at a light – while you talk on your phone. It’s okay. Everybody does it.
Freedom to Be Special
You are unique in the universe. No one feels pain the way you do, has the
same problems as you, suffers from so many circumstances beyond their control,
works as hard as you do, or has faced the obstacles you’ve faced. You are truly
remarkable and others are jealous of your intelligence, your ability to see
things they don’t, and your humility in spite of your obvious greatness. No one
ever has been as worthy of adulation and special treatment as you and your
offspring – especially your offspring, who are like no other children in the
world since the beginning of time. Because of this uniqueness, your offspring
deserve special handling by coaches and instructors, access to prescription
drugs to address their special conditions, special menus and control over what
others can eat in lunch rooms, special latitude when there are family vacations,
and endless do-overs for tests, papers and other assignments erroneously graded. Teach your offspring just how special they
are at all times and they’ll grow up just like you.
Freedom From Responsibility
You are not personally responsible for anything bad that
happens, even if it is entirely of your own making. It will always be someone
else’s fault, and someone else’s task to fix.
All you need to do is attribute blame to some circumstance, historical
event, or another person or persons. You are not responsible for anything you
do to yourself, such as dropping out of school, smoking, drinking to excess,
drug addiction, overeating, gambling, pregnancy, getting shot in the commission
of a crime, and overuse of tanning beds. You are also not responsible for any consequences
of your personal behavior on others, such as vehicular homicide, family poverty,
eviction, property seizure by DEA, spreading HIV and STDs, carjacking, murder,
rape, and accidental shooting, for example. If you put yourself in danger, put
those around you in danger, commit a crime and get incarcerated, have your
children taken by Child Services, or become a prostitute to support a drug
habit, understand that there’s surely a reasonable explanation that removes the
burden of personal responsibility from you.
And there’s always someone, something, or some event – even in the
distant past – that’s actually to blame.
It’s never your fault.
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