A special place in Hell … Ho, Ho, Ho

I know it’s the holidays.  I know we should all be thinking happy thoughts.

But there are some people and things that just tick me off.  So here’s my wish list for the coming year:

Westboro Baptist – These smacked asses protest at soldiers’ funerals, and now plan to protest at the Connecticut massacre victims’ funerals.  They claim these deaths are God’s wrath because of homosexuality in general and gay marriage in particular.   

I don’t even know where to begin in condemning these bigoted, insensitive, ignorant clods who add misery and pain to grieving parents and loved ones at a time when they are already devastated.  They are no better than Muslim extremists who wrap themselves in bombs and twisted interpretations of Islam to justify wreaking havoc on the innocent.  

I don’t know who they think their God is, but I hope the God I worship takes a page out of the Old Testament and delivers some well-deserved Biblical-style wrath on them this year. 

Or maybe they could take up poisonous-snake-handling as part of their worship.  Let’s see how strong their relationship with God is then. 

Handicap parking abusers – Those decals and spaces are reserved for people with real handicaps, not for lazy, thoughtless bastards gaming the system just so they can park closer to the front door or escape paying for parking. 

This is more than just a pet peeve – it’s an insult to decent people everywhere who try to do the right thing, while some jackass thinks it’s all a game.  These morons believe there’s nothing wrong with it unless they get caught.  In fact, they’ll tell you everybody does it, like that’s a justification.

Maybe they think being stupid, selfish and insensitive is a true handicap.  It’s not.  So what I wish for this year is that people have to prove – in person -- they are truly physically handicapped to get that decal or license plate renewed.  If you have a real disability that’s documented, you should be fine.  But just being old or lazy doesn’t count – you need to have a real doctor’s note, or be walking with a cane, in a wheelchair, or on a walker to get approved. 

I’d also like to see a crackdown by police on the abusers and fines actually being enforced.  All police have to do is stake out any handicap spot and see who sprints from their car with nary a care, and who appears to be legitimate.  If there’s any question, police should ask for proof.  Barring proof, the offender should have their car towed and be fined on the spot. 

Big-ass SUVs – It’s not the vehicles themselves that offend me, it’s their drivers and their lame excuses.  Unless you're planning an expedition to the North Pole or the Amazon wilds, why anyone needs one of these cruise ships with wheels escapes me.  

Please note that I'm not including so-called crossovers and the smaller SUVs -- just the road monsters, like the Expedition and Excursion.   

Okay, I get that you have a dog.  Okay, you’ve got a couple of kids.  But really, do you need a vehicle with the cargo capacity of a U-Haul truck and the seating capacity of an airport shuttle?  I mean, seriously, how big are your freaking dogs and kids – do they take up that much space?   And do you know how to maneuver and park something approaching the size of a small RV?

Based on what I’ve seen, no to all of the above. 

But hey, it’s your right to own whatever you want.  I’ll defend that right at all times. 

Just don’t whine and bellyache about high gas prices.  Or tell me how you feel so much “safer” in your SUV, while you are bullying and terrorizing all the other drivers on the road. 

And for Christ’s sake, learn how to park your behemoth.  When you practiced the three-point-turn in Driver’s Ed, it didn’t mean that you should also take 3-5 attempts to dock your land yacht in a space at Walmart.   For the record, you’re only supposed to park in one space at a time, BTW; the lines are there to give you an angle reference, too.    

I personally think any vehicle that seats more than six adults should be painted yellow, have to stop at all railroad crossings, and require a special bus license.  But that’s just me.      

Texting while driving – We all know when someone is texting while driving because the car is swerving all over the road.  People who do this might as well be drunk or blindfolded – the effect on driving is the same.  They are a menace to themselves – and frankly that’s of little concern to others – but they are a menace to all the rest of us, which is of concern.

It’s another one of those “it’s not wrong unless I get caught” kind of things that makes a lot of us nuts.  It’s on par with “what’s the big deal?”  It’s maddening. 

 I’d like to see some enforcement on this.  And if someone is caught texting while driving, they should be treated like anyone else driving under the influence or charged with reckless driving.  Because that’s what they’re doing.  Maybe they lose their license for a spell; maybe have to attend a driver safety course, or better still have to do some jail time. 

It’s that serious.  We’ve all been behind some airhead texting and trying to drive at the same time. 

Maybe it’s vitally important to them to tell their friends on Twitter or Facebook that Sally’s a slut, Timmy’s a bastard, Cindy’s posted naked pictures, or that Mom’s a jerk.  The rest of us don’t give a rat’s ass what they’re tweeting, texting or sending; we’re just worried about them careening all over the road and possibly hitting us.   

It’s only a matter of time before they crash into something.  Or someone. 

If we can’t get them off the road permanently, then let’s take repeat offenders’ cars and remove the seatbelts and airbags.  Maybe a little practical Darwinism will do the job for us.   

Well, that’s my holiday wish list. 

Assuming the world doesn’t end on 12/21/12, have a wonderful 2013.