The real State of the Union Address …

As I stand before you tonight I’d like to say that the state of the union is sound.

That would be a lie.  Well, not really a lie if you look at it through my eyes. 

Sure, the economy still sucks and millions are out of work.  But thank God most of you can’t do simple math.  Otherwise you’d understand how bad things really are.  I mean, the only reason the unemployment numbers look as good as they do is because so many of your fellow citizens have simply given up.  They’ve left the workforce altogether. 

Where have they gone?  Honestly, I don’t really care.  All I know is that they don’t count against the unemployment numbers anymore, so that’s a relief. 

So if you spin it the right way, I can make a case that the economy’s getting better because the official unemployment rate is down.  Plus the stock market’s been up lately. 

Now of course neither of those are realistic indicators about the health of the economy.  The unemployment number’s a joke; the more people give up, or move onto disability, the better the number gets.  And as far as the stock market, you might as well use how casinos are doing as an indicator of economic health.  It’s pretty much the same thing.  And about as relevant. 

No matter.  My celebrity friends and pals in the media will do anything to rub elbows with me and Michelle.  They’ll write and say whatever I want in hopes they’ll get a little face time or at least a Christmas card from us. 

It’s good to be the President. 

But I want to be honest with you – the job itself is kind of a pain in the ass.  While it’s very cool to hang out with celebrities, fly around the world and go on vacations to exotic places on Air Force One with my entourage and relatives, I’m not enjoying doing the job of President.  You know, the annoying stuff – like working with foreign leaders, defending every little thing I want to do, and being criticized by Fox News and that blowhard Rush Limbaugh. 

Then there’s the constant nagging from those who say I’m ignoring the Constitution, not upholding my duties to execute the laws, and just making stuff up as I go along.

That really pisses me off.  Especially the “ignoring the Constitution” stuff. 

Look.  I’m a Constitutional scholar.  I know what’s in the Constitution.  I just don’t think it’s that useful anymore.  In fact, it’s too restrictive.  What do you expect from a document written a couple of hundred years ago by a bunch of now-dead white guys?   

They couldn’t predict the future.  They couldn’t imagine how much things would change.  How needs would change.  They couldn’t possibly foresee how having a smartphone and free calling and texting would become an inalienable right.  Or that “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” would need to include a big-screen TV, a nice car, broadband access and free birth control as basic human rights. 

Want more proof?  There’s that 2^nd Amendment thing about the right to own guns.  Seriously … what were they thinking?

And their whole idea of a balance of power in government may have made sense in the 18^th century, but doesn’t cut it today. 

Because of their lack of foresight, here I am, the most powerful leader on earth – the leader of the free world, plus with the ability to nuke anybody back to the Stone Age – yet I still have to put up with Congress and the Supreme Court.     

That’s just wrong.  The people elected me to do what I want.  Period.  To govern as I saw fit.  Period.  To decide which laws should be enforced and which I could ignore.  

And to fundamentally transform America. Period. 

So in that spirit, here’s what I propose going forward:

First, for America to have the ability to respond rapidly to emerging challenges, we need to streamline government significantly.  Therefore, by Executive Order, I am ordering that all Executive Orders from me carry the full weight of law from this day forward. 

Tomorrow I will exercise that new authority to order the following …

1.)    Justices Scalia, Roberts, Thomas, and Alito are hereby officially “retired” from the Supreme Court.  In their place I am appointing Elijah Cummings, Eric Holder, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, and Chuck Schumer to the Supreme Court, and naming Justice Ginsburg as Chief Justice. The next available opening will go to Dick Durbin.

2.)    Congress as we know it is abolished. It’s an anachronism. Instead of Congress representing the will of the people, the President will reflect the will of the people, with the advice and consent of his Twitter followers, in his or her sole discretion.  

3.)    I will establish a new government agency called “The Ministry of Truth” which will have the authority to shut down media outlets and imprison reporters and other public voices who do not meet its standards for accuracy and sensitivity to government policies.

4.)    I am also establishing a new government agency called “The Ministry of Popular Culture” which will be given authority to regulate what is acceptable to display, show, or broadcast in all media.  I am pleased to announce that the first head of the agency will be Ru Paul.

5.)    I am also unilaterally repealing the 22^nd Amendment, which unrealistically limits how many times someone can be President.  I say if the public wants me again and again, we can’t let that amendment get in the way. 

6.)    Finally, I am reforming our antiquated and unfair tax system. We will move to a flat-rate tax of 80%, with exemptions from taxes to groups and entities I favor, and who promise me their undying fealty no matter what.
   

Now, many of you are probably wondering why I haven’t brought up such issues as immigration, a woman’s right to choose, ObamaCare, and income inequality.

There’s a simple reason.

I really don’t care about any of those things.  No, seriously, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about that stuff.  It’s all boring crap that will never be resolved.  I know that.  Democrats know that. Republicans know that.  There’s no realistic solution to any of those. 

I’ve only brought those up at times to throw red meat to my most ardent supporters and keep the money coming in.  Oh, and to inflame my opponents into saying stupid things I can use against them. 

So yes, I only used those things to get elected. 

I don’t need to worry about that anymore.  Soon there won’t be any limits on how long I can be President.  I won’t have to kiss the butts of Congress, or even pretend to respect the dullards now on  the Supreme Court.    

I will have fully transformed America.

You’re welcome.