The real State of the Union Address …

As I stand before you tonight I’d like to say that the state of the union is sound.

That would be a lie.  Well, not really a lie if you look at it through my eyes. 

Sure, the economy still sucks and millions are out of work.  But thank God most of you can’t do simple math.  Otherwise you’d understand how bad things really are.  I mean, the only reason the unemployment numbers look as good as they do is because so many of your fellow citizens have simply given up.  They’ve left the workforce altogether. 

Where have they gone?  Honestly, I don’t really care.  All I know is that they don’t count against the unemployment numbers anymore, so that’s a relief. 

So if you spin it the right way, I can make a case that the economy’s getting better because the official unemployment rate is down.  Plus the stock market’s been up lately. 

Now of course neither of those are realistic indicators about the health of the economy.  The unemployment number’s a joke; the more people give up, or move onto disability, the better the number gets.  And as far as the stock market, you might as well use how casinos are doing as an indicator of economic health.  It’s pretty much the same thing.  And about as relevant. 

No matter.  My celebrity friends and pals in the media will do anything to rub elbows with me and Michelle.  They’ll write and say whatever I want in hopes they’ll get a little face time or at least a Christmas card from us. 

It’s good to be the President. 

But I want to be honest with you – the job itself is kind of a pain in the ass.  While it’s very cool to hang out with celebrities, fly around the world and go on vacations to exotic places on Air Force One with my entourage and relatives, I’m not enjoying doing the job of President.  You know, the annoying stuff – like working with foreign leaders, defending every little thing I want to do, and being criticized by Fox News and that blowhard Rush Limbaugh. 

Then there’s the constant nagging from those who say I’m ignoring the Constitution, not upholding my duties to execute the laws, and just making stuff up as I go along.

That really pisses me off.  Especially the “ignoring the Constitution” stuff. 

Look.  I’m a Constitutional scholar.  I know what’s in the Constitution.  I just don’t think it’s that useful anymore.  In fact, it’s too restrictive.  What do you expect from a document written a couple of hundred years ago by a bunch of now-dead white guys?   

They couldn’t predict the future.  They couldn’t imagine how much things would change.  How needs would change.  They couldn’t possibly foresee how having a smartphone and free calling and texting would become an inalienable right.  Or that “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” would need to include a big-screen TV, a nice car, broadband access and free birth control as basic human rights. 

Want more proof?  There’s that 2^nd Amendment thing about the right to own guns.  Seriously … what were they thinking?

And their whole idea of a balance of power in government may have made sense in the 18^th century, but doesn’t cut it today. 

Because of their lack of foresight, here I am, the most powerful leader on earth – the leader of the free world, plus with the ability to nuke anybody back to the Stone Age – yet I still have to put up with Congress and the Supreme Court.     

That’s just wrong.  The people elected me to do what I want.  Period.  To govern as I saw fit.  Period.  To decide which laws should be enforced and which I could ignore.  

And to fundamentally transform America. Period. 

So in that spirit, here’s what I propose going forward:

First, for America to have the ability to respond rapidly to emerging challenges, we need to streamline government significantly.  Therefore, by Executive Order, I am ordering that all Executive Orders from me carry the full weight of law from this day forward. 

Tomorrow I will exercise that new authority to order the following …

1.)    Justices Scalia, Roberts, Thomas, and Alito are hereby officially “retired” from the Supreme Court.  In their place I am appointing Elijah Cummings, Eric Holder, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, and Chuck Schumer to the Supreme Court, and naming Justice Ginsburg as Chief Justice. The next available opening will go to Dick Durbin.

2.)    Congress as we know it is abolished. It’s an anachronism. Instead of Congress representing the will of the people, the President will reflect the will of the people, with the advice and consent of his Twitter followers, in his or her sole discretion.  

3.)    I will establish a new government agency called “The Ministry of Truth” which will have the authority to shut down media outlets and imprison reporters and other public voices who do not meet its standards for accuracy and sensitivity to government policies.

4.)    I am also establishing a new government agency called “The Ministry of Popular Culture” which will be given authority to regulate what is acceptable to display, show, or broadcast in all media.  I am pleased to announce that the first head of the agency will be Ru Paul.

5.)    I am also unilaterally repealing the 22^nd Amendment, which unrealistically limits how many times someone can be President.  I say if the public wants me again and again, we can’t let that amendment get in the way. 

6.)    Finally, I am reforming our antiquated and unfair tax system. We will move to a flat-rate tax of 80%, with exemptions from taxes to groups and entities I favor, and who promise me their undying fealty no matter what.
   

Now, many of you are probably wondering why I haven’t brought up such issues as immigration, a woman’s right to choose, ObamaCare, and income inequality.

There’s a simple reason.

I really don’t care about any of those things.  No, seriously, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about that stuff.  It’s all boring crap that will never be resolved.  I know that.  Democrats know that. Republicans know that.  There’s no realistic solution to any of those. 

I’ve only brought those up at times to throw red meat to my most ardent supporters and keep the money coming in.  Oh, and to inflame my opponents into saying stupid things I can use against them. 

So yes, I only used those things to get elected. 

I don’t need to worry about that anymore.  Soon there won’t be any limits on how long I can be President.  I won’t have to kiss the butts of Congress, or even pretend to respect the dullards now on  the Supreme Court.    

I will have fully transformed America.

You’re welcome.   

Today’s topic: Income inequality …

Every time I see stories about “income inequality” I think my head’s going to explode. 

Especially when Obama and Democrats like Schumer, Reid and Pelosi start spouting off about it being the most pressing issue of our times. 

And also when the media attempts to pull at our heartstrings with tales of fast-food workers earning minimum wage who can’t support a family of four on what they’re paid.  Well, duh …

It’s laughable to see millionaires like Obama, Schumer, Reid and Pelosi claim to represent the interests of the downtrodden out of “compassion.”  They couldn’t care less about the poor except when they need their votes.  It’s the same with immigration reform; they only care because they hope converted illegals become dedicated Democrats. 

Why anyone gives any credence to these shameless hypocrites is beyond me. 

But the media does and is more than happy to promote the Democrats’ view of America today as a “Dickensian” nightmare. 

[If you hadn’t noticed, “Dickensian” is now the word du jour among class warriors.  The recently elected far-left mayor of NYC won on a theme of New York as a “tale of two cities” that he planned to fix with sweeping progressive reforms.  The poor and uneducated may not have understood the literary analogy, but apparently liked the idea of soaking the rich for more free stuff.]

To hear the class warriors, you’d think honest, hardworking people are starving in the streets because evil, greedy rich people either don’t want to give them decent jobs, or want to work them to death for a pittance.  The rich also conspire to pay no taxes so they can buy private jets and yachts they don’t need, and ship American jobs overseas to make bigger profits for themselves. 

Okay.

I’m not saying there aren’t greedy, amoral pigs in the private sector.  The Obama Administration knows them very well; many of them – like Goldman-Sachs and other big Wall Street firms – were among Obama’s biggest campaign contributors.  Not surprisingly, many also benefitted from Obama’s bail outs and loan guarantees, and are today paying out million-dollar bonuses to their executives. 

Where’s the Democrats’ outrage over this? 

Cue the crickets …

As to the plight of the people they make such a big deal about – you know, the working poor barely scraping by – how do you think many of them got that way?

Not a nice or politically correct answer, but the truth is a great many of them made some stupid, half-assed decisions somewhere along the line that virtually guaranteed their lot in life.

Granted, there’s no law against being stupid.  But there are consequences, especially if you aspire to a decent job with upward potential in the private sector.

Drop out of high school and you’ve automatically disqualified yourself from the majority of those jobs.  Getting convicted of a crime forever minimizes any chance of a good job.  Not making the effort to read, write or speak proper English dramatically limits career prospects.   

Even excessive tattoos and piercings – like see-through ear plugs – can also hold you back.

Hey, people have free will.  They make choices.  And with those choices come consequences.  The typical consequence is getting stuck in a low-paying, low-skill, dead-end job – if they are lucky enough to get a job at all. 

Some escape those circumstances through a combination of hard work and a degree of luck.  A very few get temporary government-funded jobs to help other people just like them. 

But most don’t, and they’re the working-age adults still manning the counter at Wendy’s, delivering pizzas, blowing leaves off your lawn, and cleaning rooms at a local motel. 

Or simply hanging out waiting for their next government check to arrive. 

Frankly, I’m really tired of hearing about how hard they are struggling to make ends meet.    

The reason why many – not all, of course – of these adults have crappy, low-wage, dead-end jobs, or are so dependent on government assistance to survive, is largely because of dumb decisions they made along the way.   

There, I said what many of us probably feel.

Nobody wants to man up and tell the truth to these people – and especially children in low-income families:  When you screw up big time, and make dumb decisions in your youth, you will likely suffer the consequences long into the future.  Unless you hit the lottery, win American Idol, play professional sports, or some rich relative leaves you a fortune – all very long shots – those bad decisions will continue to bite you on the ass for years to come.

In other words, there are long-term consequences to being short-term stupid.   

If you want to bring up income inequality – and why some people make more than others – you’re going to have to confront the real reasons. 

Not everybody is equal.  Not everybody is as smart.  Not everybody is as talented.  Not everybody is willing to do the work required to get ahead.  Not everybody has taken full advantage of their educational opportunities – whether that’s to get prepared for higher education or a trade.  Not everybody has the same work ethic. 

It has very little to do with gender, race, ethnicity, religion, or how much money your family had in the majority of instances.  It has more to do with talent, ability and ambition.  Many people in high and well-paid positions in business today started from humble beginning; they got where they are despite where they were from.  That’s the beauty of the American system. 

Now, for all of Obama’s public concern about the growing spread between the rich and poor, the rich have actually gotten a lot richer since Obama came into office.  That’s undeniable.  It’s not because the rich squeezed the life out of the poor, but because Obama policies carried out by the Fed – like keeping interest rates near zero – have largely benefitted the rich while hurting ordinary folks’ yields on CDs and savings accounts. 

The Fed’s near-zero-interest policies have allowed those with money to borrow and gamble with essentially free money, fueling the booming stock market.  And when the stock market booms, the rich get richer.  Investment banks and brokerages pay huge bonuses.  Executive comp tied to stock gains balloons.   The gap between the top and bottom earners grows even more.    

So yes, there’s income inequality in America.  And yes, the income gap between the rich and poor is growing.  But it’s ridiculous to concoct bogus reasons for this simply to feed a class warfare narrative solely for political gain.   

Attempts to achieve income equality have always failed for one simple reason:  people – and their talents, abilities, knowledge and ambition – aren’t equal.  So some are worth more than others and will always be paid more than others.    

And no law, regulation, or Executive Order can change that fact of life.